Motherhood is a funny thing, when you get pregnant and your growing your tiny human inside you have so many expectations and aspirations for the parent you want to be. Then this amazing creature that wholly depends on you comes crashing into your life throwing it all into the air, and those aspirations of parenthood become realities.
My maternity leave has been an experience of many emotions. I had a textbook home birth (a story in itself and for a different time)! As a midwife myself I advocate for women and support their birth choices so when it came to my own I knew what I wanted. Then came the new baby bubble again I knew my preferences and I’m so glad that myself and my other half discussed things we wanted to happen before baby was born and stuck to that. I had four months of normal maternity leave. I attended baby groups, a process that any new mum will tell you is scary. As an adult and a professional I communicate and socialise but it’s all very safe and in my control. Once you have to attend groups that are about your tiny human you become anxious about others opinions and judgements, even when you are confident in your parenting abilities. Baby groups and child raising I have come to learn is the most competitive sport you will ever play in life.
After four months of getting to know my sassy, independent little girl a global pandemic hit! This meant as a couple we had to make some big decisions about how we were going to parent our child whilst navigating coronavirus. My partner worked in catering and therefore as soon as lockdown hit his job was gone, he is amazingly resilient and managed to get a temporary covid contract and quite literally has worked every hour to make money to support our new little family. My plan was always to go back to work when baby was six months old with the support of family for childcare. This now was more important than ever to return to work to ensure our family is financially secure however now the family we would have relied on are also in lockdown, mine being 100+ miles away.
That brings us to now 18 days until I return to work as an NHS community midwife, caring for women, babies and families in the most exciting but now challenging time of their lives. Even though I will not be working on a covid ward I will be working with people unable to social distance for the majority of my role. I will be entering peoples homes hoping they have been self isolating as vigorously as I have. Every day when I put on my uniform and leave my house I will be putting not just myself but my partner and baby at risk of catching coronavirus. I will do everything I can to protect myself, my family and the families I will be caring for.
One of my main ways of protecting my little girl is to continue to breastfeed when I return to work. So when I am packing my midwifery kit, my lunch and coffee, I will also be taking my breast pump to work. For the last 6 months I haven’t gone more than 4 hours without feeding this little being and now my boobs will have to get used to feeling full and waiting for a suitable time slot for me to pump, but that precious liquid gold during a pandemic is the best protector I could provide her, so provide I shall.
So the next 18 days I will;
- Savour every second holding and breastfeeding my baby, those quiet moments just me and her are so precious. My boobs don’t just feed her they calm, soothe and help her sleep. They are her pain relievers and her comfort.
- Be present, it’s so easy to get lost in the things that need to be done but they will wait. I will watch her as she becomes more independent, catch her as she crawls across the room, laugh with her and enjoy her exploring the world (inside our house and garden) around her.
- Enjoy our family, currently it’s busy myself and my partner have a few hours between him finishing shifts and crawling back into beds ready for his pre-sunrise starts. But where we can we will sit at the table and eat dinner, we will smile together, take photos and soak in each other’s company.
- Be thankful! Even though I feel the end of my maternity leave has been stolen by this virus and it has made us make decisions differently from before, I am thankful for what I have. Thankful that once I return to work my baby’s dad will become her stay at home parent. Thankful that my family are all healthy, missing the growth of our baby in person, but able to see her frequently by technology.
Motherhood; my journey has only just begun and I am excited to see where it will lead and how it will develop. I have already learnt that some days just keeping a tiny human fed, clean and happy is enough. And that having this baby didn’t just bring one life into the world it created three. The baby, the father and the mother. As she grows so will we.
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